Clash Of The Annoying

I’m not a religious guy. I understand most all religions and have nothing against religious people. I do have a problem with how religion is perceived in this world. We always seem to make it more epic than it needs to be. In the case of Greek Mythology, the stories are legendary. They are Shakesperean, really. They are full of suspense, betrayal, war, politics, and love. So when they said they were going to remake Clash of the Titans, I thought to myself, “at least they have a lot of material to work with as a remake.”

The original Clash of the Titans came out in the 1980s. It wasn’t a great movie, but it was cheesy-popcorn-eating-sit back-and-enjoy kind of fun. And, since I was a little kid back then, Medusa scared the living pee out of me.

My fear of the remake was two-fold. First, did it really warrant a remake? The first one wasn’t epic, but neither was Beast Master and I love that freaky movie. It still makes little sense, but I like it. However, once I realized they were trying to make it this big, Hollywood-esque, action, epic, mega-drama (as I believe it was advertised) then I gave my nod of approval. I figured why not have a little more fun with the film with better graphics. My second concern is an overall philosophy of remaking my childhood. This is the first installment of what is the revival of the 1980s remake films. Clash of The Titans, Karate Kid, Footloose, and Red Dawn are all coming out this year and are all remakes from films in the 1980s. I’m still pissed about this, but trying to keep an open mind.

To be blunt, this movie sucked. Big time. There wasn’t one redeemable quality of this film. I could make a laundry list of complaints. I’ll start with the “3-D” effects. I put that in parenthesis with a purpose. It was shot in 2-D and transferred to 3-D in order to make it look more spectacular. Fail! It looked terrible and wasn’t worth the extra money for those recyclable glasses.

My second really big complaint is Ralph Fiennes. I’m convinced he has given up on acting or has a drug problem or maybe both. The man is terrible in this movie. This is after his borderline decent performance in The Reader. I think he needs an acting intervention. I believe the stand-ins did a better job than Fiennes.

Lastly, the story makes no sense. It lacked passion, it lacked vision, and it lacked any kind of epic, Shakespearean feel whatsoever. Mediocrity would’ve been a better goal.

When you look up the meaning of the word “titan” you get a sense something great is about to happen. “The story of the marriage of Heaven and Earth and the birth of gods from the marriage is very widespread in myth from all parts of the world. The Titans, led by Kronos, deposed their father and ruled the universe. They were in turn overthrown by the Olympians, led by Zeus, in the battle called the Titanomachy.” Hell yes!! Now THIS is the movie I want to see.

I realize Clash of the Titans takes place after Zeus gains power and he has a few kids, but did it have to lack omnipotence? Did it have to lack idealistic fervor? Did it have to lack…I don’t know…a script?

This movie will be enjoyed by bonehead action lovers everywhere. They will talk about how great it looks and go on and on about the action. I can assure you the script is toilet paper and the acting (with the exception of Liam Neeson) is lackluster. In short, it never needed to be remade. Period.