The Signs of Suck Are Taking Shape

I don’t know when I’m going to die. I can guess. I can look at the average age of death among men who sit around a lot, enjoy comic books, and debate constantly to get a good idea, but I don’t really know when it will actually happen. I’m assuming when the end is near my body will likely begin to break down one limb at a time.

I hate to sound so cynical all the time, but I really believe the new G.I. Joe film is going to die a very painful death. Why do I feel this way? I can see the signs on the wall. The big hub bub yesterday was the announcement that critics wouldn’t be allowed to pre-screen the film. Their excuse is that it’s for fans, not critics. What? Really? Is that why fans are shaking their heads at all the pre-production choices being made to this film?

Let’s get political for a second. Wait, come back. I’m not talking THAT kind of politics. I’m talking about the other kind. The one that most people think, but simply don’t say. Well, I’m going to say it and I will say it in all caps: THIS FILM IS GOING TO SUCK!

The signs are already there. This thing has been cursed from the day it was conceived. My first thought is that it will likely be so Hollywood it won’t want to honor the old fan base. Choosing Stephen Sommers as the director all but cemented this line of thinking. He’s made crap, then made sequels to crap that were equally crappy. In fact, he’s only made one movie I enjoyed (Catch Me If You Can). I know, it doesn’t seem possible to make such a good movie then have a streak of about eight in a row that really suck, but he’s managed to do it.

The truth about the whole debacle is this: the movie execs are hoping by not allowing a lot of screenings the negative press won’t get out before the film opens. They are hoping to at least attract enough interest to make some money before everybody realizes it sucks. In essence, they are being dumb. They are starting a war of words with people who buy ink by the barrel before the picture is even released. It’s just a bad idea in general.

I make a promise to all my readers. I will go in with a very open mind when I watch this film. I will give it its proper review and not just trash it because I can. It doesn’t do the readers justice and it doesn’t give any purpose to my columns. Now all I have to do is wait until Friday. Sigh. I hate waiting.

G.I. Joe: The Rise of Cobra opens August 7.