And That’s 100 Minutes Of My Life I Can’t Get Back

I sometimes wonder if studio executives simply don’t understand how to make a movie. I think it’s a pretty easy process. You write a script, toil over the script until it’s a solid story, hire people to make and be in the picture, shoot it, and edit. I can think of about 512 steps that were missed in the release of G.I. Joe: The Rise of Cobra.

I knew it was going to suck; it was just a matter of what degree. I promised I would go in with an open mind (and I did), but it didn’t take long before I started realizing the target audience was the guy who sits in the back of the theater and laughs every time he sees someone get kicked in the nuts. That’s never been funny to me.

The breaking point in this film happened when we saw a subtitle reminding us that Paris was indeed in France. Really? I thought they moved it to Guam. Imagine that. This should tell you they know their audience is a bunch of idiots. Sigh.

I was hoping for a better, smarter movie. I did enjoy the casting (for the most part). I liked Dennis Quaid as General Hawk. He had the look and the arrogance to pull off the part. In fact, none of the characters really bothered me. It was the story, the bad animation, and the stupidity that made me want to throw my popcorn at the screen.

I’m sure the G.I. Joe purists are still up and arms about the character choices. I try to give the studio a chance to impress me with the people they choose and not rail too hard on the ones they don’t choose. After all, you can always make more movies and add the other characters.

Even though none of the performances annoyed me, none of them overly impressed me. I’m still shocked Ray Park landed the part of Snake Eyes. He just looks like my gay uncle’s lover. I can’t help it. He has femininity about him. I realize it’s not his fault, but still.

I lay most of the blame with the lack of story and bad direction. I wasn’t expecting much from Stephen Sommers and, well, he didn’t give me much. I like how he threw sand AND Brendan Fraser into the movie. Why? I guess to feel more at home or to screen test Mummy 3.

The story falls short. The goal of the film is to stop James McMullen from destroying the world with a bunch of warheads packed with insects that morph into slime. I’m not kidding. All the writers in Hollywood and THAT’S what they end up with as a final product. Of course, they don’t really explain how these insects do the morphing, but they had to make sure you knew the location of Paris.

This movie was a failure from the word go. I said last week the studio didn’t want critics to see the film before hand so they can cash in without negative reviews. Well, it worked. G.I. Joe: The Rise of Cobra was the top movie of the week hands down and will likely gross as much as any mindless action movie before it. Are there really that many mindless slugs who like this garbage? Ugh!

I guess one reason I enjoy comic books is they allow me to enjoy action without insulting my intelligence. I just wish more comic book movies would do the same. I don’t recommend this film at all. Save your money and your time!